What will Kanye do? Will Drake shut it down? Will Lady Gaga’s beaver eat Justin Bieber? Will writing a minute by minute blog of this event turn out to be a worse choice than milk was? Let’s see.

9:01: The saddest white man in the history of the world opens the show with an anonymous back-up man, inducing this exchange with my girl (Lady Champ) and I:

LC: “Have rappers always had back-up men, or is this just a new thing?”

Champ: “They always have.”

LC: “Why?”

Champ: “I don’t know.”

LC: “I guess they must get tired easily. Maybe they’re all dealing with depression. No wonder they’re all always so angry”

9:03: I get what they were trying to do with Rihanna and the burn motif, but something about her hair and the white dress makes me think about period blood. I probably shouldn’t have printed that, but I probably shouldn’t have drank a 16 ounce cookies and cream milkshake before sitting down to watch this either.

9:05: If I were a person who’d looked for racist undertones with everything I did, I’d say that the multiple black man ass slaps on Chelsea Handler was some racist ass sh*t. I’m not a person who looks for racist undertones, though

9:07: Ok, I know I can just Google or Tweet this to find the answer, but who the hell is Chelsea Handler? Should I have heard of her before? Is this how white people felt when Katt Williams hosted the Flavor Flav roast on Comedy Central?

Seriously though, do awards shows even need hosts? I mean, I understand bringing people out to hand out the awards, but do they need an actual human being to introduce them? Can’t the omnipotent backstage voice of God just do that? Aside from Chris Rock at the Oscars, who has ever watched an awards show just on the strength of who happened to be hosting it? Why is this bothering me so much?

9:10: If I were a chauvinistic asshole, this is where I’d write something about women and the concept of funny. I’m not a chauvinistic asshole, though.

9:14: Handler awkwardly rides off with Rick Ross (Seriously!), an event which hopefully signifies the end of the “Look how cool, hip, and ironic I am as a white woman to be doing this extremely lascivious public gesture with a black man I’d never actually have sex with” joke.

9:15: Just realized that I’m live blogging a video awards show in a year I haven’t actually seen any music videos. Interesting.

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9:16: Champ: “I think Lady Gaga could be attractive”

*Silence*

Champ: “I mean, if she dressed normally, she probably wouldn’t be half bad looking”

LC: “I think you just want all women to be attractive. You’re exactly like a woman in that way”

Champ: “Thanks”

9:19: First VMA commercial break, and I just want to take this time to congratulate team USA for winning the FIBA World Championship in Turkey this afternoon, and thank them for the collective “F*ck You!” their victory said to all of the people hear who were either indifferent or wanted them to lose just so they’d have an opportunity to talk sh*t about NBA basketball.

9:25: Just as I was about to type “Wake me up when the Jackass in 3D sh*t is over” the powder slap from the giant hand forces me to choke on my sherbet and crackers.

9:26: I know nothing about 30 Seconds to Mars other than the fact that one of their members is wearing the coolest leather trench coat I’ve ever seen. I would literally kill one of you for that coat.

9:26: I’m not playing. Somebody would die.

9:28: A walking, talking Kim Kardashian wax sculpture introduces Justin Bieber. I wonder how much it cost to make that.

9:30: I was expecting to write something extremely snarky about the Bieber, but I can’t. He’s a cute white kid who performs nice music and has some dancing (and drumming) talent. Is he the second coming of Michael Jackson? Probably not. Would I be mad if my pre-teen daughter had a crush on him? Probably not. Does he look like 27 year old lesbian from San Diego? Probably

9:35: I liked the trailer to “The Social Network” much better when they used a creepy chorus rendition of Radiohead’s Creep instead of Kanye’s Power. When I first saw it (I was at Salt), I actually thought that it was one of the best movie trailers I’d ever seen. Now it’s, well, not.

9:36: During a commercial break, I did some surfing on OKCupid’s recent “The REAL ‘Stuff White People Like” and saw quite possibly the most hilariously racist (or racistly hilarious) comment I’ve ever seen before.

punjab says:

September 10, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I noticed that sports and fitness-related activities took up a lot of black men’s mindsets. Which makes sense. If you’re gonna be tossing around a bunch of fat white chicks in the sack, you should probably be in shape.

I definitely need to invite this dude to the VSB BBQ

9:39: LC: “I like seeing Usher dance”

*Silence*

LC: “Not because he’s sexy or anything, but because it’s so intricate”

*More Silence*

LC: “Wait…don’t put that in your blog”

9:40: More from Lady Champ

LC: “How many people can do what he (Usher) just did?”

Champ: “Justin Bieber”

LC: “And you after four rum and cokes”

LC: “Can you imagine how hot Usher must be in his Eskimo dance suit? Ha!”

Lady Champ, folks! She’ll be here all night!

9:42: You know, I’ve always had a bit of a love hate relationship with him. I love his music and hate that I do. Snark aside, he turns in easily the night’s best performance so far.

9:44: Hetero hipsters (is that an oxymoron?) across the eastern seaboard ejaculate simultaneously as Nicki Minaj and Katy Perry appear on screen at the same time.

I guess this is the perfect time to admit that I’ve done a complete 180 on Nicki Minaj. Just 6 months ago I was convinced she was the anti-Christ. Now, I’ve actually caught myself looking forward to her verses.Expounding further will probably depress me, so I think I’ll just move on

9:45: Wait, who the f*ck is Jason Derulo?

9:46: Odds that Katy Perry and Nicky Minaj briefly hooked up (or “smushed”) backstage? 3 to 1? 10 to 1? 2 to 1? Even? I can’t call it.

Semi-related question: We all know that superstar male artists have sex with tons of groupies, but what about the women? I mean, who does a person like a Nicky Minaj or a Lady Gaga–superstar single women who are seemingly sexually active–actually sleep with? Do they bang groupies too? Do they have discreeet relationships with other superstars? Or, is the hypersexual act just that…an act? Are there any industry-connected people reading this who can (anonymously of course) answer these questions for me?

9:47: Seriously, who the fuck is Jason Derulo?????

9:57: Florence and The Machine make me feel much blacker than I already felt today. I need to go listen to some Justin Bieber or something.

10:00: Just finding out that Rihanna’s performance was a surprise. I guess this explains the period motif.

10:03: Yes, I’m still deathly afraid of midgets. Thanks for asking though.

10:05: The existence of Jane Lynch forces me to take back every single thing I’ve ever said about funny women. She’s always a hoot.

10:05: Lady Gaga wins again. In other completely predictable news, my girlfriend’s cats are licking each other’s anuses.

10:07: Here we go….

10:09: From my cuzo Huny on Twitter: “this yatch taylor swift is sitting down and singing like she rihanna”

10:13: Because spending two decades learning to decipher rap music has made me completely unable to decipher any song lyrics that aren’t actually rapped, I need someone to tell if that was an “I forgive you Kanye” song. #dont”get”countrydiss

Seriously though, all those people saying she should just get over it are forgetting one thing: she’s a 20 year old woman and 20 year old women don’t get over sh*t. Sh*t, there are women (and men) reading this right now who are still pissed about some sh*t that happened at the prom in 1994. I agree that the anti-Kanye public backlash went way overboard, but she has every right to still feel personally sore about it.

With that being said, that might have been the single most boring ass song I’ve ever heard before. I’d rather watch soda de-fizz than watch that performance again. That song is to “boring ass art” what Chick-Fil-a is to…ummm, chicken. A polar bear slits its wrists every time that song is heard.

10:21: Voicemail for Jesse Eisenberg:  “Michael Cera just called. He wants his entire shtick back. You can keep his nuts until next week, though”

10:22: Drake has always reminded me of Cory Booker. Maybe I’m just starting to think that all sexually ambiguous light-skinned black men look alike.

10:26: Am I getting soft or was the Drake, Mary J, Swizz Beats mash-up a very, very….good performance?

10:27: Just wanted to say that even though I’ve only heard maybe 15 seconds of it, I really, really, really love that Muse song

10:31: Not to get all anti-NFL again, but another commercial break and a quick click to an aggressively boring Cowboys/Redskins game has forced me to ask if there’s anything more anti-climatic than (most) NFL games? I think the NFL has reached awards show territory where people are more excited with the idea of the game than the actual game.

10:34: If I wasn’t typing with one hand right now I’d sooooo write something about Sofia Vergara and the bullsh*t stereotype about how black men are enthralled with Latinas

10:38: Just in case you were wondering, if you ever want to have a movie branded “Don’t See!!!!” by me, have “directed by the guy who gave us ‘The Hangover” in the trailer

10:41: A strangely translucent Neyo introduces us to Bruno Mars, who begins to sing like he’s getting fellated under his piano and still manages to introduce us to B.O.B., who obviously forgot to pick up his dry cleaning and was forced to borrow clothes from my 17 year old nephew’s closet.

10:45: Hayley Williams may have just bumped Mila Kunis off of my “Natalie Portman All-Star team” (Flat chested white women I’m inexplicably attracted to)

10:53: F*ckin Canadians, man. Gotdamn F*ckin Canadians

10:55: I love depressing ass angsty ass music (Put it this way: The Gza, Thom Yorke, and La the Darkman are three of my 15 or so favorite artists),  so it should be no surprise that I love Linkin Park. With that being said, I’m completely underwhelmed by this song. Like all other things, I blame their demise on Justin Bieber.

11:05: Note to self: Don’t drink an extra large cookies and cream milkshake if sitting and recapping awards shows because when you go for a bathroom break, you’ll come back so delirious that you’ll swear you saw a 971 year old Cher rocking a lace thong on stage.

11:09: Aziz Ansari is the MOTHERF*CKING MAN. That is all.

11:11: I thought we were done with this uber emo 808′s and Heartbreak sh*t. (and I liked 808′s)

11:13: Just like all other Kanye music, after being “eh” at first I’m strangely warming up to this song. He’s like the bizarro-Obama.

11:14: Ok, I’ve completely warmed up to this song. For the next week I will attempt to incorporate it in as many conversations, blogs, tweets, and Facebook status messages as possible. I will be toasting so many douchbags, assholes, scumbags, and jerkoffs that you’ll think I’m the black Dudley Moore.

More than anything else, his uncanny ability to make songs grow on me proves once and for all that he’s definitely in the Illuminati.

In summary, no real surprises, no really standout performances (sans for Handler’s transcendently bad hosting), and Kanye keeps proving me right.