While doing some work Sunday afternoon, I decided to take a short break and walk to a fair taking place a few blocks away from my place. When I got there, I noticed a station where some organic produce company was giving away free lemonade with the company’s name on the bottle. In return, you had to sign up for their emailing list.

As you may have imagined, there was a bit of a line (maybe 10 deep), but my cheap ass didn’t give a damn. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pencil eraser or a bunch of broken broomsticks being given away. I will stand in line (and fight someone) for some free shit.

Anyway, I eventually made my way to the front of the line, signed my life away, and grabbed my free bottle of organic lemonade. Nevermind the fact that I had no freakin idea what the hell organic lemonade was going to taste like. I got my free bottle and I was happy…until I took the first sip. It didn’t taste bad — it was actually surprisingly good — but  I got a little annoyed at the fact that they had the audacity to give away room temperature lemonade. It wasn’t hot or even lukewarm, but it tasted like a bottle of something that had been taken out of the cooler an hour ago.

As a walked to another station, still (slightly) annoyed that I was sipping on a bottle of not-even-really-all-that-warm lemonade, it finally hit me: I’M ANNOYED ABOUT A F*CKING FREE BOTTLE OF LEMONADE!!! A FREE BOTTLE!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WALKED BAREFOOT OVER SEVEN MILES OF HYENA CARCASSES TODAY JUST TO EXCHANGE A BABY GOAT FOR A CUP OF MALARIA-FREE WARM WATER, AND I’M ANNOYED ABOUT A FREAKIN FREE BOTTLE OF LEMONADE THAT WASN’T AS COLD AS I WANTED IT TO BE!!!

To give myself a little credit, the annoyance isn’t really my fault. I’m an American, born and raised in a country where the vast majority of people in it don’t have to worry about things like “Will this water make my stomach explode?” and “If I fall asleep tonight, will the warlords kidnap me and force me to be a sex slave to their army of child soldiers?”

Basically, I’m a “first world” person with first world privilege and first world problems. And, along with “Having to stand in line just to get a bottle of lemonade that just didn’t happen to be very cold,” here are seven more relatively insignificant things that God probably kind of hates us for always complaining about.

1. Slow Wi-Fi

Every time you complain that it took 1.8 seconds instead of 1.3 seconds for your bullshit webpage to load, an ebola-infested elephant rapes a kitten.

2. Having too many items to choose from in the supermarket

The next time you get annoyed that there are too many different types of ranch dressing to choose from, remember that the migrant workers who picked the lettuce for the salad that you’re going to put your ranch dressing on pee on the lettuce seeds because their boss only allows them one bathroom break every 16 days.

3. Wearing condoms

“Damn you God, for giving us access to an invention that allows us to continue to have pleasurable sex while not having to worry about STDs, pregnancy, or vaginas with teeth. Damn you!!!”

4. The rain

Only in bitch-ass America do people become suicidal because of a weather occurrence that, if it happened more often in certain parts of the world, would save like a billion lives a year.

5. Dealing with cable company customer service

Yes, it truly is a f*cking pain to spend five minutes talking to a person on the phone just so they can instantaneously restore your cable so your lame ass can watch House Hunters.

6. Walking to destinations

So, lemme get this straight. You just purchased a pair of $175 sneakers that took 12 Chinese factory workers four straight 23 hour shifts to make, and you don’t want to actually walk in them because, well, it rained a couple days ago and you don’t want the nonexistent mud to graze your douchey f*cking sneakers?

Bitch.

7. The government

Yeah, I think, if given the choice between having the ability to complain about the government without having six masked men come to your house in the middle of the night and slash your Achilles tendons and not having the ability to complain about the government without having six masked men come to your house in the middle of the night and slash your Achilles tendons, I think I’ll stay in the place where all my tendons will likely stay intact. Thanks for asking, though

That’s it for me today. Falks, can you name any other “first world problems” that God probably hates us for complaining about?

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