Ahem.

I was on an airplane yesterday.

I’m a big dude. 6’4”. 235 lbs of solid… ummm… me.

And I was sitting in an aisle seat. That means a constant stream of people ramming into my elbow, or shoulder, or even my head sometimes as they pass. I get that it’s going to happen. I’m a big dude. It’s either accept that or get overly cozy with the rather uncozy lady who was sitting next to me hogging the arm rest. I just don’t get why some passerbys hit me as they pass as if they’re training to play in the Super Bowl.

Anyway, one stewardess in particular kept passing by me, and the flight started out with small grazes of the arm or elbow every time she did. After time, she became increasingly determined to knock me into next week. I was really starting to be bothered by the carelessness of this woman who looked like someone from the cover of a Roald Dahl book.

She never apologized for it, not even once. Not even, in fact, the time she nailed my elbow so hard with her drink cart that it sent me lurching forward in my seat. How I never heard her coming was amazing to me since she was so forceful in her approach.

And then, karma hit.

And a giant jolt of rough air hit our plane.

And this particular stewardess, who I shall call Janine, was standing next to me, facing the back of the plane, holding out a plastic garbage sack when it happened.

And she involuntarily made a “whoaoaooah!” sound.

And she went, whoops!

And she grabbed the back of my seat as she went… Down.

Her strength couldn’t keep her positioned.

And. Plop. Onto my lap she plunked.

After the initial shock, I was about to say, “wow, buy me a drink first!”

Or maybe, “easy lady, you’re not my type!”

Or maybe, “hey, whatchoo doing after the flight?!”

But instead…

Bong.

The captain telling the attendants to get strapped in. It’s gonna be bumpy!

She never made eye contact with me. She was up and off of me as quickly as it happened. She disappeared with her garbage sack to the back of the plane. And guess what.

She still never said a word. No apology. No laughing about it. Just some weird game where she pretended that I, and every part of me she kept assaulting, did not actually exist.

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