Although i’d heard and read numerous things about it, principles and testicles stopped me from actually sitting down and watching VH1′s tragically ubiquitous  “basketball wives“, a show “showcasing the lives of seven women linked (HA!) to NBA men“. but, after losing a bet with my girlfriend, i was forced to watch two episodes last weekend. here are my thoughts.

1. you know, i’ve been sitting here for a while thinking of a way to accurately encapsulate my first impressions of the show, and nothing better articulates my point than just stating the obvious: i don’t know any of these women

i don’t know any women who live like that. i don’t know any women who “look” like that (and you’ll understand why “look” is in quotations later). i don’t know any women with their body language. i don’t know any women who always wear the odd clothes they always wear. (i’ve always maintained that shaunie o’neal dresses like she’s from the future. i will not attempt to explain why i feel this way. just trust me when i say that she does) i don’t know any women who have the conversations they have, and i don’t know any women who use the language they use when they have those conversations. shit, i don’t even know any women named erica who spell their names with two k’s.

i mean, i at least understand that they’re (probably) human beings, but humanity is where our connections end. i might as well have been watching a reality show about martians.

2. despite the fact that my relentless averageness (put it this way: if looks were NBA players, i’d be the anonymous guy they put in those NBA cares commercials next to lebron james while the voiceover says “lebron james and one of his random-ass cavalier teammates help build houses in appalachia...”) should prevent me from making negative public critiques about a woman’s looks, i feel compelled to say that none of the women on the show (sans royce reed, who i’ll get to a bit later) are even remotely attractive.

while they all have the dime “look” (thin, long hair, big foobs, bleached teeth, etc), they each have a world-weariness to their faces and countenance that says “retired porn star” more than “women you’d actually want to be with“, and this negates any appeal they might otherwise have.

it actually reminds me a bit of karen hill in “goodfellas” talking about an afternoon with the other mafia wives:

“They had bad skin and wore too much make-up. I mean, they didn’t look very good. They looked beat-up. And the stuff they wore was thrown together and cheap. A lot of pant suits and double knits. And they talked about how rotten their kids were and about beating them with broom handles and leather belts”

3. there are 4 different types of chickcrazy.

a) the “she’s cool, but she gets kind of nuts when she’s having sex”, crazy that most men appreciate.

b) the “she kind of scares me at night (and some mornings), but because she’s smaller than me and my truck is leased in her name, i can deal with it” crazy

c) the “ok, this bitch is f*cking crazy” crazy

d) royce reed

seriously, for those who haven’t seen the show, imagine if you crossed gloria cleary (the crazy sister from the “wedding crashers”) with janet jacme, lorena bobbit, benjamin buttons, and a chipmunk. within five minutes of watching, you understand completely how reed was able to seduce dwight howard (aka “the big christian“) and, within two years, anger him so much that he’s currently suing her for 10 million dollars. shit, even mike tyson is probably sitting on a white elephant somewhere watching this show and thinking to himself “damn…i aint got nothing on her ass”

4. even though women living off of millionaire athletes don’t seem like the likeliest or easiest people to pity, i felt the same tinge of sadness watching this show that i usually feel when at the zoo. you can see it in their eyes, as well. behind the glitter, gloss, and futuristic turtlenecks is a bit of self-awareness, a recognition of the ridiculousness of their lives and how they’re perceived by normal people. while these women may live “better” than most of us, the cost of that betterment is too emotionally expensive for my taste.

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