“Ladies, you get the Men you deserve.”

-Roissy

Barely a month after my startlingly provocative piece, “Black Women Must Stop Mating With Mr. Big”, word hits the Internets with news that NBA champion Dwyane Wade has sired a son with a Woman other than his betrothed, the actress/model Gabrielle Union. Union, for her part, seems completely cool with it, as their engagement continues unabated toward that Big Day at the altar. In the past week or so that I’ve been able to observe the coverage of these revelations, it has all proven highly instructive – to say nothing of powerfully vindicating – of my aforementioned article.

Let’s briefly recap what I actually said in my piece, shall we? I made the case, that a major reason – NOT the *only* reason, but a major one nevertheless – as to why Black America is so hopelessly in a tailspin in a myriad of ways, is directly due to what I have referred to as Black American Women’s “Mr. Big problem.” You see, I argue that Black Women - not “all”, but a clear and present majority – are punch drunk from their Hypergamy run Amok - which drives them to make crucial mating decisions that not only impact their own lives, but the rest of ours as well.

I then specifically identified about half a dozen ways said Addiction to Mr. Big impacts Black Women in particular and Black America in general, being careful to back up my assertions with strong, authoritative sources.

Finally, I argued, that Black Women as a group, face essentially two choices going forward: either accept the cost of doing business with the Mr. Bigs of the world, and by extension condemning the rest of Black America to the dogs WITHOUT scapegoating others for the choices YOU have made (read: blaming “all” Black Men) – or – consider making some deep and profound changes in the way they did business with Mr. Big, most notably, forcing them to assist other Black Men in being more desirable romantic options, and thus bringing about a much-needed “correction” in the Black American mating marketplace.

The article was clearly written, and lengthy – coming in at nearly 6,000 words(!) – and yet, the responses to my article, by Black Women in the main, were astounding.

For one thing, I was taken aback by the shoals of scorn and utter contempt rained down on “Tyrone” – the stable, level-headed and often, but not always, Blue-Collar Brotha who’s always talked about, but never actually heard from in his own voice. Many Sistas who took aim at Tyrone did so on the grounds that Ty was just Sour Grapes-hatin’ on Mr. Big, because he couldn’t be Mr. Big himself. Many Sistas argued that Ty should just “stay in his lane” and stay out of the business of ladies who love Mr. Big – either that, or just go somewhere, sitdown and shutup and mind his business with his Black Women-hating self. Of all the comments I got in response to my “Mr. Big” article by Black Women, not ONE, had ANYTHING in the least to say in the negative, about Mr. Big – indeed, most Sistas vociferously defended him(!) - and were quick to assert that any Man who even broached such a topic, was only revealing his own failure in life with the ladies, and that he should just quietly accept his fate.

As I read (and listened to; the Wade/Union Baby Daddy issue was discussed on NPR’s “Tell Me More” radio program this past Friday) the commentary from Black Women on this matter, I was once again struck by the sheer level and degree of dithering, hemming and hawing, and in some cases, outright defending of Wade’s actions, and tacitly, if not explicitly, supporting Union’s decision to “stand by her Man”. I honestly wondered if I had suddenly been transported to a parallel Black America – a Bizarro one, where all the laws and norms of not just common decency, but plain ole commonsense, was MIA, and Hypergamy Unchained was the order of the day. I saw comment after comment by Black Women all over the Black Internet either express the above, and/or change the subject entirely, and I am sure that quite a few Sistas will once again find it right and necessary to take yet more digs at Tyrone for good measure, even though he had nothing to do with anything.

The Hamster is alive and well, indeed.

“A Low Bar”

When topics like these come up – usually reserved for the Tyrones of the world of course, but can be trotted out when the Mr. Bigs are being closely examined as well – some Sistas will argue, with crocodile tears in their eyes I am sure, that when it comes to “doing right”, the bar of expectations is set pretty low when it comes to (certain) Black Men. These Sistas will often draw comparisons between Black and non-Black Men (read: White Men), and note how much more committed to marriage, family and fatherhood these (White) Men are, lamenting with a heavy heart with violin strings playing in the background, that many Sistas simply cannot expect more of their (Black) Men. Some argue that such a state of affairs is one of the pernicious “legacies of slavery”, and/or in some other way, “The Man” is to blame; other Sistas, no doubt those who have been “Pumped & Dumped” by said Mr. Bigs to begin with, argue that the cause of such wayward behavior is more “hardwired” (and there’d be some truth to that). In any event and for whatever reason, many Sistas assert, Black Women simply can’t expect the same things out of their guys that Becky and Emma can out of theirs – Brothas, especially those like the Dwyane Wades of the world, just don’t get down like that.

You know something? I think there’s something to be said for this line of thinking that has kind of taken a life of its own on the Black Internet - however, I think the idea is, if I may, half-baked. I say that because, there are many Brothas who want to be dads, and don’t want to go about it the way Wade did, either – but, here’s the trick: those guys aren’t the guys who make the Sistas tingle. Which is completely cool – it is a free country, after all.

But you ladies need to be just a weebit more precise - to say nothing of honest – when you go to talking about a “low bar” of expectations when it comes to Black Men. As we have all seen over the past week or so, and as my “Mr. Big” piece clearly lays out, this argument of yours has to be applied to the right cohort of Brothas — not “all” of them.

Some have argued, that Wade should be cut some slack because he has publicly acknowledged his new baby boy, and has shown that he’s a “good dad” with the children of his previous marriage, to say nothing of adopting a nephew. This line of thinking is, to my mind at least, analogous to saying that because a Baby Mama in the hood is able to get knocked up and pump out babies, that somehow qualifies her to be a “good mother”.

Rubbish.

If Wade were indeed a good dad, we wouldn’t be discussing this issue at all, because he would understand the gravity of the situation. As it is however, once again we see Big Man Culture in Black America in action writ large, and once again here come the talking heads of Black America, who have long lost their way along these lines and is certainly fooling no one outside of Black America itself, trying to spin their way into some kind of rationale that holds out Wade as the new Bill Cosby or something.

Negroes, please. Just because a Brotha has a lot of money doesn’t make him a good dad, and shame on everyone who has even fixed their mouths to say otherwise. What kind of example is Wade setting for his sons here, hmm – how to be a better and more efficient Mr. Big?

Really?

The White Analogue

I don’t know about anyone else, but I have spent the past week or so trying, hard, to come up with a White version of Wade and Union – and thus far, I’ve come up blank. I mean, sure, the NBA and NFL for that matter, aren’t exactly chockfull of White guys these days – granted. But when you factor in Major League baseball, the NHL, professional soccer and the PGA, surely, we should be able too think up at least a few White guy and gal versions of Wade and Union, right?

Right?

Yea. That’s what I thought.

You see, and I don’t care what you call me, you can’t deny the facts, White folks adhere to a different code when it comes to these sort of things than us Black folks. I mean, think about it – did Brad Pitt do anything close to what Wade did? When’s the last time you heard George Clooney being mixed in up such a Baby Mama scandal? Heck, Frank Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board, didn’t do stuff like what we just saw this past week.

We all know what happened to Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, homeboy out in San Diego, John Edwards (his old lady divorced his behind from her deathbed – think about that!) – the list goes on. Simply put, and yea I’ll say it, White Women ain’t goin’ out like that. As I said in my “Mr. Big” piece, Black Women give all the world the distinct impression that, for the right guy, she will be just fine with being Down For Whatever. Which again, is coolbeans – just don’t be screwfaced when folks don’t give you the respect you think you deserve. I mean, after all, how much respect can a Jumpoff really get?

A Final Word To The Brothas

Although it was clearly beside the point, the irate Sistas coming at Tyrone’s neck in my “Mr. Big” article did put their finger on something legit: there are many, many Brothas out there, tryin’ hard to BE Mr. Big themselves – and which explains how and why, few Brothas are willing to openly condemn the actions of the Mr. Bigs among us.

I say that it’s time that such a stance come to a blessed end.

When Brothas fail to uphold standards of conduct and behavior in our ranks, we weaken all of us, and that ripples out to the rest of America. As I said in my article, “Black Men Must Stop Mating With Ratchets”, one major reason as to why Brothas get no respect from other Men in American life - especially White – is precisely due to the perception that Black Men simply cannot keep it in their pants – and what’s worse, that Brothas will try to mount any and everything that moves, regardless as to the extenuating circumstances. It all signals poor impulse control (read: being Thirsty), low to no morals or code, and no standards in general – and really, who in their right mind wants to give dap to and for that?

Brothas, please do not think that your conspicuous silence on issues like these goes unnoticed - it doesn’t. In fact, it’s worse than you yelling at the top of your voice, that you vociferously cosign everything the Dwyane Wades of the world do. And, well, that carries consequences.

For all of us.

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